Star Trek vs Star Wars
by Marek The Great
Summary: ***Added NEW Content!!*** The long awaited battle! Who will win? Which Universe is ultimately better? Read (and Review if you please) to find out!


Disclaimer: Guess who doesn't own the rights to Star Trek and Star Wars! If you said me, you got it right. Good job. There will be a prize for you as you leave.  
  
Please read and Review!!!  
  
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Commander Data had been experimenting with boosting the transporter bandwidth by rerouting it through the tachyometric sensor grid, using twelfth power gamma photons to align the matter stream and increasing the Heisenburg Compensators' effective capacity with a tricorder hooked into his cat spot. It had worked, but he accidentally beamed in the entirety of some galaxy that was far, far from a long time ago.  
What is this? Luke asked, materializing on the transporter pad.  
That felt weird, Leia said. Hey! Where are my clothes?  
Carbonite freezing was nothing compared to that! Han exclaimed. Where are your clothes, Leia?  
I am sorry, Data informed. Your clothing is stuck in the pattern buffer. Here it comes. A white, shapeless robe appeared around the naked form of Leia, much to Han's dismay.  
Much of your galaxy is caught in the buffer as well, Data continued. I am rematerializing it outside the ship. They looked out a window that luckily showed the area of space where the galaxy would materialize. A smallish galaxy appeared.  
Yup, that's it, Luke said, stepping off the pad.  
Picard to transporter room 74, came the voice of a familiar man that somehow had a British accent despite his pretense of growing up in France. Why has a small galaxy just appeared to starboard?  
I have greatly increased the transporter's capabilities, Captain, Data said. I have inadvertently beamed over a galaxy from the distant past that was far, far way.  
How far away was that, Data? Riker asked.  
Far, far away, Commander, he clarified.  
Oh, thank you Data, Riker said.  
I don't know what this is all about, Leia said, but that bit about taking away my clothes means war.  
  
And so the war began. The Star Wars Universe's greatest weapons were the Death Star and the Sun Crusher. The Star Trek Universe had Picard, who induced blindness whenever light was shone off his head, and the Borg, who helped to do away with much of the fighting force of the Star Wars Universe. Blasters, being lasers with cooler names, did nothing to Federation ships, and proton torpedoes, being simple nuclear explosives, did little damage.  
Darth Vader made many young ensigns with weak minds blow their ships up by suggesting that they overload the ship's warp core. The Borg, Breen, Dominion, Federation, Romulans, Klingons, Kazon, Hirogen, Species 8472 and various assorted races borrowing better civilization's technology laid general waste to any and all non-force attuned people.  
The Death Star and Sun Crusher flew around taking out planets and entire systems, but they were unable to take out Earth because TNG needed it still for next week's episode. After much debate and many lawyer's deaths, they finally managed to settle on the Empire getting to blow up Mars to have their fun, since nobody really cared about Utopia Planitia anyway.  
After a few years of fighting, with no one really making any serious gains over the other, the Star Wars and Star Trek Universes were at a draw. Of course, that didn't stop the futile fighting.  
  
They can't just go around blowing planets up on a whim, Picard said. We have to put a stop to this! Suggestions?  
We could take diplomatic action, Deanna suggested. Riker just stared into the distance, still not over the destruction of Risa. Geordi was watching Star Wars on his visor to figure out the Death Star's weakness.  
Geordi yelled out suddenly. I have found the Death Star's Weakness!  
Well, out with it already!! everyone else on the bridge yelled.  
It appears that there is a small thermal exhaust port right beneath the main port in a polar trench. If we fire a proton torpedo—  
What's a proton torpedo? Troi asked, perplexed. She hoped it wasn't something obvious making herself sound stupid.  
Sorry, sorry, Geordi said. If we fire a photon torpedo in the port, it should fly straight down a tunnel, setting off a chain reaction that will destroy the core!  
Picard said, pausing for a moment in thought. Sounds easy!  
Well, the target is only about two meters wide, Geordi said to spoil everyone's fantasies about blowing the dumb thing up.  
Riker said, I used to bullseye womp rats in my F-16. They aren't much bigger than two meters.  
Data asked, but at that speed, will you be able to pull up in time?  
It'll be just like Grand Canyon back home! Riker said.  
  
And so they found the Death Star, orbiting around the gas giant Yohei V. The Enterprise found a pathetic squadron of X- and Y-wings flying toward it, which they quickly destroyed. In the battle, even though there was no real way it could have happened, Picard, Riker, Data, Geordi, Ro, and everyone else on the bridge who could have taken command, except Troi, were wounded and rendered unconscious.  
Well, this is quite a Disaster, huh? she asked the nameless pilot. If this were any more of a Disaster, I wouldn't even be here to command. At least this time around, not like that last DISASTER, I know how to command this thing, sorta. If we had to name this like an episode, we could call it... The Time Everybody Was Rendered Unconscious and Only Deanna Could Take Over.' Has a rather nice ring to it.  
The nameless pilot rolled her eyes and awaited a command.  
Well, since Will can't fly a shuttle, I guess we will have to take the Enterprise in.  
the nameless pilot said, the ship won't fit. The trench is not wide enough.  
What if we bank the ship then?  
the nameless pilot explained patiently, the ship still wouldn't fit. The trench is too shallow. Didn't you see the movie?  
They don't have movies on Betazed. Only nude weddings, which we find entertaining enough.  
Indeed, Counselor, the nameless pilot said, trying to sound respectful.  
Well then, I guess I will have to fly the shuttle! Troi said at last. The nameless pilot cringed, which Deanna sensed easily.  
I can fly a shuttle! she insisted. It isn't like you have to come along. So she left the bridge, got in a shuttle with one photon torpedo on it, and flew toward the Death Star. She entered the trench at the obligatory five kilometers away from the actual target to make for a good flyby scene.  
She flew down the trench, her shuttle bobbing up and down because they didn't get much budget money anymore and that was the best effect they could make. Laser fire jeweled the horizon, completely surrounding her, but nothing hit the shuttle magically. She approached the vent.  
Suddenly the ship shook. Deanna looked behind her, and saw three TIE fighters shooting at her.  
Oh no! Deanna yelled. She used her empathic powers to convince two of the pilots too go away, rather like a mind trick she thought. The third stubbornly refused to go. She tried and tried, but he wouldn't break off pursuit.  
Then it was suddenly shot from above. Deanna looked out the shuttle's sun roof and saw it had been the Enterprise that had fired.  
You owe me, kid, the nameless pilot said over the radio. Now let's blow this thing and get outta here!  
Deanna looked into her targeting computer, and heard a voice. Not over the radio... she couldn't quite tell what or who it was.  
Use the force, Deanna! the voice implored, and suddenly she knew who it was.  
Deanna asked.  
Yes, little one, the voice said. Use your abilities!  
Not now Mother! Deanna called out.  
Trust your feelings, Deanna! And then the voice was gone. Deanna switched off her targeting computer, winced in concentration, and fired the photon torpedo. It flew forward, turning suddenly to fly down the trench, and Deanna pulled up.  
The angle switched suddenly to a view of the shuttle flying toward the camera with the Death Star behind it. It exploded, and a little sign popped up in its place that said Insert Effect Here.  
  
Back on the Enterprise, the revived crew congratulated Counselor Troi.  
Great job, Counselor, Geordi said. That shot was one in a million!  
Well, it wasn't anything special, Deanna said modestly.  
Yes it was, Deanna, Picard said. You managed to kill the entire Star Wars Universe by blowing that one battle station! We have won!  
Well, I guess we can go play poker now, at last, Riker said.  
  
IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED THAT WAY, BUT IT DID NOT. BUT HOW ABOUT THIS WAY?  
  
We can't let them just assimilate all our stormtoopers! the Emperor exclaimed. Any suggestions?  
We could just stop the fighting, Darth Vader said. All this mind tricking is fun at first, but then it starts to ware on you, you know? Grand Moff Tarkin just stared again at the footage of Leia materializing on the transporter pad from so long ago. Random officers walked around the throne room trying to look busy. One of them stopped what he was doing and walked up to the Emperor.  
What if we went around again and just executed them all? the officer said. You and Darth did it with the Jedi, and these Trek guys can't even use the force!  
the Emperor said, pausing a moment for thought. Sounds easy!  
No, not really, Darth Vader said. I'm not as young as I used to be.  
That is a problem, Palpatine mumbled to himself. Oh, why don't we just do what we always do and fight for years, never really winning any major battles that turn the tide of the war. It'll make for a long series of movies!  
I think we've got it made! Darth Vader exclaimed.  
  
(FOR A FULL ACCOUNT OF THE LONG AND BORING WAR, SEE STAR WARS EPISODES IX~XXVII.)  
  
Twenty tears later, most of both Universes was gone. In fact, everyone had died except Darth Vader and Captain Kirk, who had been hanging out the whole time in the Nexus. He finally came out to try and make a difference one last time. Now Darth Vader and Captain Kirk met on the forest moon of Blender. It got its name from the peculiar arboreous foliage modules growing there that seemed to... well, blend into other arboreous foliage modules.  
So, we meet at last for the first time for the last time, Darth Vader said. Kirk gave him a confused look.  
Could you run that by me again? he asked.  
We meet at last for the first time for the never mind. The point is, at last we meet. And I shall kill you.  
I guess that is OK, but answer me one question first.  
Um, sure, Darth Vader said a little perplexed.  
Who is your tailor? That cape is dashing!  
Actually, this is a Armenian Lord Cape, and it's made of hey! Let's just fight!  
Fine by me! Kirk said, somehow drawing a lightsaber. He flourished it, surprised to have found it attached to his belt.  
That's my weapon! Darth yelled. No fair!  
Oh, sorry, Kirk said, tossing him the lightsaber. Darth Vader looked vary nervous, but managed to grab the handle in midair. Kirk drew a phaser and fired. Darth lifted his hand and deflected the beam back at Kirk, who promptly vaporized.  
That was too easy, he said slowly. Kirk jumped out from behind a particularly strange looking arboreous foliage module and tapped Darth on the shoulder.  
he said. That was a hologram! Gotta catch me! He turned and ran away. Darth chased after him.  
  
Several hours later, Kirk came to a cliff. He couldn't stop in time, but luckily he stepped onto a metal bridge. It was a little rickety, and all around him was a large desert with buttes of sandstone all around.  
This looks familiar he said slowly, and suddenly Darth Vader was on the bridge. He slashed the supports with his bright red lightsaber. The bridge fell, and Kirk clutched the railing.  
He finally crashed on the desert floor, and Darth Vader leapt down to meet him.  
he said mockingly.  
That's OK, Kirk said, his life energy slipping away. It was fun. He promptly died, and Darth Vader lifted him up, carried him to the top of the hill, and buried him under a big mound of rocks because the thought struck him.  
Well, now that that's done with, Darth Vader said, I can retire and write my memoirs. He walked off into the sunset, whistling the Imperial March.  
  
BUT THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED EITHER. THIS IS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.  
  
And then Q appeared on the Enterprise. He looked at the Enterprise bridge crew.  
Jean-Luc, I am very disappointed with you. I thought you could do this on your own. He waved his finger around in a gesture of annoyance.  
Picard said, at least I am not the cause of humanity's nonexistence this time. It is that Leia Organa that started this all!  
Yes, and what a pity. Oh well. Q snapped his fingers and the Star Wars Universe and the Star Trek Universe, both of which he created for little entertainment, never existed to begin with. Then he had some ice cream and watched Gone With The Wind again, which he decided to save after all.


End file.
